Could I ask why? I'm still not entirely understanding how your world works, so maybe the context would help. If it's too personal, though, I understand.
[ as he's writing "Loose tongue instead of spilling secrets?" in his notes. ]
It is personal, but I do not mind. You see, my purpose, and my family's purpose for generations, has been to guard the Locked Tomb, believing that is where God hid away his greatest enemy.
When I was ten, I decided to end my life, but before I died, and I wanted to know what was in there, and whether it was worth having been born. I assumed if I could confirm it wasn't worth it, it would be easier to die. So I broke in. It was very difficult, but not as difficult as it should have been. Oh, believe me, there were heavy traps and wards and nasty little pieces of necromancy meant to keep anyone out, but I had time on my hands, and I was made to be a genius. But when I got to the Tomb itself, the rock placed in front of it, the rock placed by God that should have refused to budge, it rolled away in my hands as easily as if it were clay.
Inside, I saw her. The person God had locked in there. She was...perfect. I looked upon her, and I knew that because I am what I am, the product of the process that I am, I was the only one who could have broken in. I'm the only one who can protect her, the only one who can free her. My parents didn't understand this, they were terrified of what I'd done when they learned, they hung themselves rather than face it, but I will always know that there is a reason for me to live, and she lies cold and dead and asleep at the bottom of the Ninth House.
as someone who also has a pretty horrible lots-of-people-died-to-construct-me backstory, lu bixing definitely understands the concept of the why. his dad's own explanation of his own why was a lot of made up chicken soup bullshit, and when he found out the actual why many years later, it wasn't really much of a comfort. he also couldn't resist opening pandora's proverbial box, once upon a time. his even had a lady behind it, but his reaction could not have been more opposite than harrow's. he's like, quiet for a minute, stopping his typing as he just listens.
ok. yeah. definitely "loose tongue". maybe it's confessing. ]
...I see. So... she's your purpose. [ okay. wow. ] That is intense.
I think - well, a cursed kiss on the cheek probably is pretty mild, in terms of offense. It could always be friendly, right?
[her story doesn't really make sense; there's no reason a lady in a tomb should be the reason. it has the feeling more of something that harrow has held onto for a long time. she couldn't accept any of the explanations her parents had used to rationalize the decision; it was too hard. but she could invent her own.]
...That aspect of it doesn't bother me so much. It is only that it embarrasses me, to behave so in public.
[ yeah! unfortunately, that's the part of this that makes the most sense!!! sometimes you just have to deal with the soul crushing trauma of that kind of a birth. it's fine. we support women's wrongs and poor coping
anyway. he nods. ]
I see what you mean. You guys aren't very affectionate, in the Ninth, I'm guessing? The first time I reached out and gave Gideon a hug, she stiffened up like a board.
I don't know. [she sighs.] The Ninth I grew up in, no. Nav was reviled and I was revered, and either way, I suppose one might call it rather cold. I have no way of knowing what the Ninth was like before I was born.
Mm... [ he'd ask about there being a recorded history, but... what with harrow told him before, he's not so sure.
he makes a thoughtful noise. ]
...Well, it's about what you're comfortable with, Harrowhark. More than anything else. If you want to ever find yourself in a situation where you might be more affectionate towards someone, then, you should be able to do that of your own choice, not because of a drink that makes you act strangely - and to do so in private and not in public, too.
Not that you need me to tell you that. [ a little more teasingly. ] But sometimes it's nice to actualize things, too.
[it's not really a question of recorded history its more that the incredible coldness may just be a result of trauma because everyone's kids died in a horrific accident.
she blushes at this. stop trying to give her the talk.]
I'm just saying! Okay, okay, I won't push it any further. [ he does muffle a little bit a laugh but it's more at the face she makes than anything else. this is a cute side of harrow... ]
People here are very into that kind of thing, is all. So I'm glad to hear your boundaries are being respected.
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outsidebones) wrote2023-02-05 05:03 pm
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[which doesn't necessarily imply celibacy but does imply a level of religious repression.]
But this is a personal decision that is unrelated to that.
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[ as he's writing "Loose tongue instead of spilling secrets?" in his notes. ]
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When I was ten, I decided to end my life, but before I died, and I wanted to know what was in there, and whether it was worth having been born. I assumed if I could confirm it wasn't worth it, it would be easier to die. So I broke in. It was very difficult, but not as difficult as it should have been. Oh, believe me, there were heavy traps and wards and nasty little pieces of necromancy meant to keep anyone out, but I had time on my hands, and I was made to be a genius. But when I got to the Tomb itself, the rock placed in front of it, the rock placed by God that should have refused to budge, it rolled away in my hands as easily as if it were clay.
Inside, I saw her. The person God had locked in there. She was...perfect. I looked upon her, and I knew that because I am what I am, the product of the process that I am, I was the only one who could have broken in. I'm the only one who can protect her, the only one who can free her. My parents didn't understand this, they were terrified of what I'd done when they learned, they hung themselves rather than face it, but I will always know that there is a reason for me to live, and she lies cold and dead and asleep at the bottom of the Ninth House.
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as someone who also has a pretty horrible lots-of-people-died-to-construct-me backstory, lu bixing definitely understands the concept of the why. his dad's own explanation of his own why was a lot of made up chicken soup bullshit, and when he found out the actual why many years later, it wasn't really much of a comfort. he also couldn't resist opening pandora's proverbial box, once upon a time. his even had a lady behind it, but his reaction could not have been more opposite than harrow's. he's like, quiet for a minute, stopping his typing as he just listens.
ok. yeah. definitely "loose tongue". maybe it's confessing. ]
...I see. So... she's your purpose. [ okay. wow. ] That is intense.
I think - well, a cursed kiss on the cheek probably is pretty mild, in terms of offense. It could always be friendly, right?
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...That aspect of it doesn't bother me so much. It is only that it embarrasses me, to behave so in public.
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anyway. he nods. ]
I see what you mean. You guys aren't very affectionate, in the Ninth, I'm guessing? The first time I reached out and gave Gideon a hug, she stiffened up like a board.
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he makes a thoughtful noise. ]
...Well, it's about what you're comfortable with, Harrowhark. More than anything else. If you want to ever find yourself in a situation where you might be more affectionate towards someone, then, you should be able to do that of your own choice, not because of a drink that makes you act strangely - and to do so in private and not in public, too.
Not that you need me to tell you that. [ a little more teasingly. ] But sometimes it's nice to actualize things, too.
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she blushes at this. stop trying to give her the talk.]
Please do not speak of this to me.
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I'm just saying! Okay, okay, I won't push it any further. [ he does muffle a little bit a laugh but it's more at the face she makes than anything else. this is a cute side of harrow... ]
People here are very into that kind of thing, is all. So I'm glad to hear your boundaries are being respected.
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My boundaries are unassailable. And no one has attempted to assail them.