outsidebones | mollymauk catchall

[ gently: ]

You alright? I know it was a lot.

[she nods.]

I am, actually. I - I'm selfish, and childish. I'm satisfied because I voted for Yoo Joonghyuk and I wasn't wrong.

Don't mean to tell you how to feel or anything, but how is that selfish and childish?

That I'm happy to have voted in a way I don't have to feel badly about even if it didn't change the ultimate outcome?

I don't think any vote feels particularly good.

[ ... ]

What would be the alternative?

I wish I knew.

[she rubs at her face.]

...I didn't want to have to decide this time. I wanted to do the weak thing, not vote for anyone and feel I was therefore not responsible for an outcome even though my very weakness contributed to it. But of course, we must vote here. And cowardice is unbecoming.

Yeah.

[ he'll just come over and put a hand on her head, pulling her over into a half-hug. ]

The voting. Think it's one of the worst cruelties of these places, that no one quite thinks about until after it's all said and done. But there is no right choice.

[thanks for the hug. she speaks in a very quiet voice.]

I'm tired of being the one to hurt people. I wanted someone else to do it for a change.

Yeah. I get that.

[ he will not let her go from the hug yet. ]

You didn't hurt anyone today, you know.

I tried not to. [...] I wasn't certain enough about Joonghyuk, and between Yuri and Kim Dokja, I didn't really think either of them were - and I didn't want to hurt Yuri just to make myself feel better but I didn't want to sacrifice someone else for one of us again, and I don't have the luxury of acting as though Hua Cheng is a guiltless vote.

I was very close to putting myself down. But it would have been cowardly not to act on my suspicions about Joonghyuk.

[ okay well. there's a bit of a start and a face at the idea of putting herself down, but, he'll tackle the other bit first. ]

That's the problem with being soft, I think. Things get more complicated.

Yes. [...] I am trying, though.

I know. I'm proud of you.

[ though then he gently whacks her on the back of the head. ]

Not for almost voting for yourself.

Ow. [don't whack her.] Why?

Because a lesson I've had to learn very harshly several times is where does self-sacrificing nonsense get you except in a grave not helping anyone?

Quite literally someone who is not a murderer being alive?

[ he sighs out deeply. ]

I don't want to disparage your efforts here. It's kind of you to consider all this, to start thinking about it, but I mean it. Losing you won't help anyone.

I don't want to die. It isn't that.

[she bites her lip hard.]

I'm just tired.

I know. I'm tired too.

But it's almost over.

I hope so. I want to go home.

With us?

[nodding.]

With you.

Yeah. Soon, okay? Really soon.

[she leans her head against him]

Do you think we can go back to the way it was?

Sure. Maybe.

[ he lets her lean against him, keeping an arm around his shoulders. ]

And if it can't, and it's different, then that's alright too. Sometimes things change.

(no subject)

outsidebones - 2022-07-25 10:52 (UTC) - Expand