It's much easier to admit to it when that person is dead. Our relationship was complicated.
[she idly picks at the pizza, like she's deciding whether to try it.]
I said I grew up without other children around, but she was the exception. Nothing like a sibling, just an orphan that was left behind. Pilgrims and refugees wash up at our door sometimes to devote themselves to service; typically not infants, but it happens. She was a bit unusual in some respects, and as an infant she survived the incident that is the reason there were no other children in my House when I was young. My parents treated her abysmally because they were afraid of her, and so did I, and we grew up absolutely despising one another. To me, she was a living reminder of the worst things about my parents and the worst things about me. To her, I was just the person who bullied her and made her life hell just because I could.
And she was very important to me, because she was the only person in my House who saw me for myself. [...] We made amends later, once we got away from there. But I never really understood why she was willing to forgive me, and I can't accept that she felt she had to give her life for me when we had already taken so much from her we weren't entitled to.
[Despite thinking this is the most Harrow has ever said to him in one go, he listens. He's an ass, but not that much of an ass.]
Well, I'm not your cavalier, but if we're anything alike, the answer to the last part is pretty easy. [Maybe.] Sometimes, you're willing to do some stupid stuff for people that you love. Were you searching for something? Trying to do something? Maybe she thought there wasn't ever much point in her being alive, but she wanted you to keep going.
[He's just making an assumption, but it feels similar to him.]
Yes. I think what you said is exactly correct, which is why it offends me. She didn't have much of a choice; we both would have died if she hadn't done what she did. But I don't think she valued her own life nearly as much as she ought to have.
[This makes him chuckle a little. He motions with his hand at the pizza. Try some.]
This must be what Cloud sounds like talking about me and Lup. Can't say I can disagree with your cavalier considering. [He shrugs one shoulder and glances away.] Sometimes... it just feels like maybe your life amounts to something even if it's using it to make sure someone else is safe.
[fine, she'll try the pizza. but as she picks it up - ]
That's garbage and it's awful to hear. No one's life has to "amount" to something. It doesn't exist just for the use of someone else. Of course Gideon thought it was all she was worth. That's what my House does to people, it convinces them they're nothing more than a resource to be expended, and for what? All of their sacrifices bought was me, and I'm not worth it. That isn't self-pity. No person could ever be worth it.
[and she takes a bite of pizza and then drops the piece to the table, makes a face, and grabs water.]
[Is he being scolded? He's being scolded. Like--nicely. "It's logically." It's nicely. He opens his mouth, but then pauses before bursting into quiet laughter.]
Nooooo, not the pizza. Anything but the pizza being called disgusting. You mean you don't like carbohydrates slathered in tomato sauce and cheese with disks of pepperoni on top?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It's much easier to admit to it when that person is dead. Our relationship was complicated.
[she idly picks at the pizza, like she's deciding whether to try it.]
I said I grew up without other children around, but she was the exception. Nothing like a sibling, just an orphan that was left behind. Pilgrims and refugees wash up at our door sometimes to devote themselves to service; typically not infants, but it happens. She was a bit unusual in some respects, and as an infant she survived the incident that is the reason there were no other children in my House when I was young. My parents treated her abysmally because they were afraid of her, and so did I, and we grew up absolutely despising one another. To me, she was a living reminder of the worst things about my parents and the worst things about me. To her, I was just the person who bullied her and made her life hell just because I could.
And she was very important to me, because she was the only person in my House who saw me for myself. [...] We made amends later, once we got away from there. But I never really understood why she was willing to forgive me, and I can't accept that she felt she had to give her life for me when we had already taken so much from her we weren't entitled to.
no subject
Well, I'm not your cavalier, but if we're anything alike, the answer to the last part is pretty easy. [Maybe.] Sometimes, you're willing to do some stupid stuff for people that you love. Were you searching for something? Trying to do something? Maybe she thought there wasn't ever much point in her being alive, but she wanted you to keep going.
[He's just making an assumption, but it feels similar to him.]
no subject
Yes. I think what you said is exactly correct, which is why it offends me. She didn't have much of a choice; we both would have died if she hadn't done what she did. But I don't think she valued her own life nearly as much as she ought to have.
no subject
This must be what Cloud sounds like talking about me and Lup. Can't say I can disagree with your cavalier considering. [He shrugs one shoulder and glances away.] Sometimes... it just feels like maybe your life amounts to something even if it's using it to make sure someone else is safe.
no subject
That's garbage and it's awful to hear. No one's life has to "amount" to something. It doesn't exist just for the use of someone else. Of course Gideon thought it was all she was worth. That's what my House does to people, it convinces them they're nothing more than a resource to be expended, and for what? All of their sacrifices bought was me, and I'm not worth it. That isn't self-pity. No person could ever be worth it.
[and she takes a bite of pizza and then drops the piece to the table, makes a face, and grabs water.]
Digusting!
no subject
Nooooo, not the pizza. Anything but the pizza being called disgusting. You mean you don't like carbohydrates slathered in tomato sauce and cheese with disks of pepperoni on top?