There's no convenient target, there's no awful person who deserves to die for what needed to be done. And I didn't want you there! I left you out of my plans because I am selfish. Why are you sorry?
There's never any fucking stopping you or h-- [ He doesn't quite know how to finish that thought, so he doesn't. ] So I should have known better. Been quicker. Found you a solution faster instead of thinking words might do it.
[ sitting on his hands while he knew she wanted to do this, was going to do it whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not. ]
I'm too fucking soft for this, and I'll never not be. And I'm not powerful enough to make the world softer for you, and I wish I could. That's all.
I don't want you to be something different than what you are. [she winds her fingers together.] I have enough people who have impressed upon me the importance of duty and difficult choices and trade-offs. That has been all of my life, since the time I learned to talk.
[she's blinking away tears again.]
I didn't have a choice. You can argue with me about that, but you won't win. I was cornered, I lost the moment I agreed to come here. You spent so long at the station convincing me I was allowed to choose something else for myself, and it didn't matter, because they made me sign it away again.
The only choice I had remaining was the choice of whether to carry this burden on my own. And I would not relinquish it, Mollymauk. I wanted to be able to say, to some part of this, no. That I will not do.
I'm not going to argue. You won. The arrow has been loosed from the bow, and it's too fast to chase down now. So I'm going to be angry for a while, and then eventually I won't be. Alright?
[ if it helps, he's really only angry in that way you can be angry with someone you really do love and care about. he doesn't have a lot of anger for other people anyway, especially people he dislikes - it's not an emotion he bothers to have if he doesn't think it's worth it. ]
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outsidebones) wrote2022-06-04 04:59 pm
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[ he's worrying at the piercing in his lip, his typical nervous habit, voice choking. ]
I was going to help you. I'd have gone with you. I know you can't kill for someone else, but I would have--
[ ... ]
I'm sorry.
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[she snaps.]
There's no convenient target, there's no awful person who deserves to die for what needed to be done. And I didn't want you there! I left you out of my plans because I am selfish. Why are you sorry?
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[ sitting on his hands while he knew she wanted to do this, was going to do it whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not. ]
I'm too fucking soft for this, and I'll never not be. And I'm not powerful enough to make the world softer for you, and I wish I could. That's all.
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[she's blinking away tears again.]
I didn't have a choice. You can argue with me about that, but you won't win. I was cornered, I lost the moment I agreed to come here. You spent so long at the station convincing me I was allowed to choose something else for myself, and it didn't matter, because they made me sign it away again.
The only choice I had remaining was the choice of whether to carry this burden on my own. And I would not relinquish it, Mollymauk. I wanted to be able to say, to some part of this, no. That I will not do.
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[though she struggles with it a bit, not knowing well how to separate approval from love.]
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... Aquila wants to talk to us.
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[she frowns a little.]
I already talked to Aquila, on Saturday. [when her brains were scrambled eggs.]
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[ so insistent about this! why mollymauk! for what reason! ]
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Very well.