I suppose he is a bit like...some of the other Gods who have been among our number. Very old, and very powerful, but not immortal per se. He can be killed, he has weaknesses and things he fears.
He is also the reason the star at the center of our system burns. If he were to die, it would go out, and all of the Houses would die along with him.
Selfish ones. I cannot explain in a letter. But if there is desire to hear it, now you know.
[she chews her fingernails.]
The only conviction I have is the conviction that my life is not my own. It belongs to the Ninth House, and I will do what I must to defend the Ninth House. [...] Not Sylvain. But I am not a good person, Dimitri, or even a person at all.
I believed you killed Claude, but I chased you down for selfish reasons of my own.
[ he's silent, but more pensive than anything else. if it had been sylvain, he probably would be angry for a number of reasons. the rest of her words are something he empathizes with, though. finally, ]
Were you inflicted with a shade? Or was it your own desire to save your people?
Edited (hm no i want line breaks) 2022-07-17 15:32 (UTC)
In fact, in trial I did not have any memory of having done the act. This was not due to anything to do with the shades, but due to an action Aikawa took.
[harrow's constant trial memloss....everyone likes to break her brain.]
But I cannot claim I would have otherwise gladly sacrificed myself.
Ah. Perhaps Aikawa is trying to spare you, in his own way.
[ but her brain is already a frontal lobe smoothie, so he finds this to not be a great idea. ]
If you did not remember, then what makes your actions as selfish as you say? I do not resent any of you for searching for me. And there were moments where I acted in my own self-interest during trial as well.
I was searching for you, and I found you suspicious, and I felt based on our prior conversations it was correct to pursue you. And then there was the matter of the locket. My intentions changed. Because I did not honestly know why he did not have it.
You acted less self-interestedly than I would suppose. I had thought you were avoiding using the clue on Sylvain for selfish reasons.
...Mm, well—with that much time left, it would have been foolhardy to try and condemn someone else. [ he thinks of molly as a good person, and is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt here. ] Your instincts were correct. I could never live with myself if someone were condemned for my crimes—and I do thank you.
[ ... ]
But my reasons were selfish. I take it you are aware that Sylvain has killed before?
[ just guessing from her reaction in trial. if not, surprise? ]
...He told us after execution that week. He had no memories of it, but pieced it together based on his actions the days prior.
Given that his hostage was already safe, and that I share some of the blame for keeping his secret, I thought it best to focus on Emet-Selch's killer. ...But, frankly—when someone I cared about was under suspicion for Sylvain's death, I could not bring myself to press further.
[ even if it meant everyone ended up focusing on his crimes instead. ]
[ he answers quietly before he sighs, leaning back, resting on his less injured side. ]
So you see, I am not above selfishness. [ ... ] But I do understand. Being born into a legacy, where your life is not yours for even a moment. You cut someone down, because it was your responsibility to have that blood on your hands.
[ he really does think they're similar. he doesn't approve of what she's done, but he doesn't have room to condemn her. ]
Would you have been happier, if you were born to another time, another place?
It's an irrelevant question. I wasn't born. I was created, by very deliberate processes, to be who I am and to be capable of doing what my House required of me.
[she meets his gaze back, because she did think in a way dimitri would understand, even if it isn't something she feels good about.]
In another time and place, I never would have come to exist. But for a long time, I did wish for that, yes.
You know, I entertained dreams of being a farmer. Or a mercenary. If I weren't a born into my station, that is.
[ not that life in the fields is easy, but it suits him better. he wonders if harrow's ever allowed those sort of thoughts for herself. ]
Or perhaps I would also never have existed at all, which I would not mind either. But there is no escaping who we are, or what we've done. I believe that you will do what you can to make things right. I expect that you understand that being a scion of anything means doing what you must for your people, and being burdened with all the responsibilities that come with those actions.
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There is no need for you to apologize. You did not flinch or back down from your convictions today, no matter what I said. And I do not fear tomorrow.
[ so there's nothing to be sorry about. ]
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[she laces her fingers together.]
I'd like to tell you about my hostage, if I may.
no subject
Speak freely and I will listen.
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[just normal things.]
I suppose he is a bit like...some of the other Gods who have been among our number. Very old, and very powerful, but not immortal per se. He can be killed, he has weaknesses and things he fears.
He is also the reason the star at the center of our system burns. If he were to die, it would go out, and all of the Houses would die along with him.
no subject
...So he is the linchpin that keeps your world running. I understand why you would fight for his survival, considering the stakes.
But? Your reason for telling me this now?
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[she chews her fingernails.]
The only conviction I have is the conviction that my life is not my own. It belongs to the Ninth House, and I will do what I must to defend the Ninth House. [...] Not Sylvain. But I am not a good person, Dimitri, or even a person at all.
I believed you killed Claude, but I chased you down for selfish reasons of my own.
no subject
[ he's silent, but more pensive than anything else. if it had been sylvain, he probably would be angry for a number of reasons. the rest of her words are something he empathizes with, though. finally, ]
Were you inflicted with a shade? Or was it your own desire to save your people?
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no subject
no subject
[harrow's constant trial memloss....everyone likes to break her brain.]
But I cannot claim I would have otherwise gladly sacrificed myself.
no subject
[ but her brain is already a frontal lobe smoothie, so he finds this to not be a great idea. ]
If you did not remember, then what makes your actions as selfish as you say? I do not resent any of you for searching for me. And there were moments where I acted in my own self-interest during trial as well.
no subject
[hmm.]
I was searching for you, and I found you suspicious, and I felt based on our prior conversations it was correct to pursue you. And then there was the matter of the locket. My intentions changed. Because I did not honestly know why he did not have it.
You acted less self-interestedly than I would suppose. I had thought you were avoiding using the clue on Sylvain for selfish reasons.
no subject
[ ... ]
But my reasons were selfish. I take it you are aware that Sylvain has killed before?
[ just guessing from her reaction in trial. if not, surprise? ]
no subject
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...He told us after execution that week. He had no memories of it, but pieced it together based on his actions the days prior.
Given that his hostage was already safe, and that I share some of the blame for keeping his secret, I thought it best to focus on Emet-Selch's killer. ...But, frankly—when someone I cared about was under suspicion for Sylvain's death, I could not bring myself to press further.
[ even if it meant everyone ended up focusing on his crimes instead. ]
no subject
[hmmm.]
I see. That is a different matter, yes.
no subject
[ he answers quietly before he sighs, leaning back, resting on his less injured side. ]
So you see, I am not above selfishness. [ ... ] But I do understand. Being born into a legacy, where your life is not yours for even a moment. You cut someone down, because it was your responsibility to have that blood on your hands.
[ he really does think they're similar. he doesn't approve of what she's done, but he doesn't have room to condemn her. ]
Would you have been happier, if you were born to another time, another place?
no subject
[she meets his gaze back, because she did think in a way dimitri would understand, even if it isn't something she feels good about.]
In another time and place, I never would have come to exist. But for a long time, I did wish for that, yes.
no subject
You know, I entertained dreams of being a farmer. Or a mercenary. If I weren't a born into my station, that is.
[ not that life in the fields is easy, but it suits him better. he wonders if harrow's ever allowed those sort of thoughts for herself. ]
Or perhaps I would also never have existed at all, which I would not mind either. But there is no escaping who we are, or what we've done. I believe that you will do what you can to make things right. I expect that you understand that being a scion of anything means doing what you must for your people, and being burdened with all the responsibilities that come with those actions.