[ It'd be really funny if there was a memory right now about this so
it's quick, and in panicky flashes - more like a dream than an actual memory is probably correct. you've got the glasses in the pocket of your coat, and it's cold out, as you pull them out and start to fiddle with them. Too cold to be wandering around in just this, the grass in the garden crunches under your boots. You're distracted by that when the large figure in the mask grabs the back of your neck hard enough to throw you to the ground--
I won't go into too much. You know what happened! lol! hey, at least harrow won't know he was beheaded. he was dead before that happened?
Molly himself looks about as pale as possible for a purple guy, leaning heavily on his hands at the desk. ]
[she's also sitting, hand over her mouth, looking sick even though harrow is about the least squeamish person possible. she breathes in a huge, ragged sigh.]
There's no convenient target, there's no awful person who deserves to die for what needed to be done. And I didn't want you there! I left you out of my plans because I am selfish. Why are you sorry?
There's never any fucking stopping you or h-- [ He doesn't quite know how to finish that thought, so he doesn't. ] So I should have known better. Been quicker. Found you a solution faster instead of thinking words might do it.
[ sitting on his hands while he knew she wanted to do this, was going to do it whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not. ]
I'm too fucking soft for this, and I'll never not be. And I'm not powerful enough to make the world softer for you, and I wish I could. That's all.
I don't want you to be something different than what you are. [she winds her fingers together.] I have enough people who have impressed upon me the importance of duty and difficult choices and trade-offs. That has been all of my life, since the time I learned to talk.
[she's blinking away tears again.]
I didn't have a choice. You can argue with me about that, but you won't win. I was cornered, I lost the moment I agreed to come here. You spent so long at the station convincing me I was allowed to choose something else for myself, and it didn't matter, because they made me sign it away again.
The only choice I had remaining was the choice of whether to carry this burden on my own. And I would not relinquish it, Mollymauk. I wanted to be able to say, to some part of this, no. That I will not do.
I'm not going to argue. You won. The arrow has been loosed from the bow, and it's too fast to chase down now. So I'm going to be angry for a while, and then eventually I won't be. Alright?
[ if it helps, he's really only angry in that way you can be angry with someone you really do love and care about. he doesn't have a lot of anger for other people anyway, especially people he dislikes - it's not an emotion he bothers to have if he doesn't think it's worth it. ]
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outsidebones) wrote2022-06-04 04:59 pm
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it's quick, and in panicky flashes - more like a dream than an actual memory is probably correct. you've got the glasses in the pocket of your coat, and it's cold out, as you pull them out and start to fiddle with them. Too cold to be wandering around in just this, the grass in the garden crunches under your boots. You're distracted by that when the large figure in the mask grabs the back of your neck hard enough to throw you to the ground--
I won't go into too much. You know what happened! lol! hey, at least harrow won't know he was beheaded. he was dead before that happened?
Molly himself looks about as pale as possible for a purple guy, leaning heavily on his hands at the desk. ]
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Yes. That.
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... If you listen to him, he didn't do it. It was someone else in his body.
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[she lets him sit, still looking at her hands in her lap.]
It doesn't matter. I needed to choose someone, and he is dangerous, and he hurt you before and could have done so again.
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[ he's worrying at the piercing in his lip, his typical nervous habit, voice choking. ]
I was going to help you. I'd have gone with you. I know you can't kill for someone else, but I would have--
[ ... ]
I'm sorry.
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[she snaps.]
There's no convenient target, there's no awful person who deserves to die for what needed to be done. And I didn't want you there! I left you out of my plans because I am selfish. Why are you sorry?
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[ sitting on his hands while he knew she wanted to do this, was going to do it whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not. ]
I'm too fucking soft for this, and I'll never not be. And I'm not powerful enough to make the world softer for you, and I wish I could. That's all.
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[she's blinking away tears again.]
I didn't have a choice. You can argue with me about that, but you won't win. I was cornered, I lost the moment I agreed to come here. You spent so long at the station convincing me I was allowed to choose something else for myself, and it didn't matter, because they made me sign it away again.
The only choice I had remaining was the choice of whether to carry this burden on my own. And I would not relinquish it, Mollymauk. I wanted to be able to say, to some part of this, no. That I will not do.
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[though she struggles with it a bit, not knowing well how to separate approval from love.]
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... Aquila wants to talk to us.
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[she frowns a little.]
I already talked to Aquila, on Saturday. [when her brains were scrambled eggs.]
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[ so insistent about this! why mollymauk! for what reason! ]
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Very well.